Laredo and the new invisible fence - Part ONE

Before you read another word I have to say about my installing and training Laredo on an electric fence..... drop your opinion and your judgements at the door well at the blog LOL.

I love my dog. He is my first baby. He was my first big responsibility. He slept in bed with me until Wade kicked him out and had had the rule of the house until kiddos and their toys took over his space. He was always by my side until we got a brand new house and now he is mainly outside. Writing this I feel sad....it feels like he has gotten kicked out of my life to some degree....

But the truth is bigger and better than this. The truth is I am a better parent because of taking the time to learn how to train him and work with him. He is too old to climb up into bed with me...his arthritis is getting worse all the time. He prefers a comfy warm spot in the sun....period. If he can see me it is all that better. He is good with my babies and I think I am being honest when I say he loves them and all their toys as much as they love him. And the outside living now....well I do sneak him in when the weather sucks or I just miss him. He is outside because of ticks and nails on my hardwood and all that endless hair. I am working on these things with frontline and brushing and clipping (which I need to get better at...I just hate hurting him accidentally).

He loves to be outside. He sniffs all the trails the deer leave and he carefully just watches the squirrels. He gives a quick bark when people or cars he does not know come down the street. He rolls in the grass and snuggles with the cat. He naps in the sun and licks the BBQ. Our weather is not bad here in North Carolina. We spend tons, I mean tons of time outside and on our deck with him! All these things make be honestly believe he likes it outside. He likes it soooo much outside that he wonders out of our huge yard into all the neighbors yards and explores the woods for a while before he makes his way home. It bothers neighbors and it worries me....he could be hit by a car or get into trouble with all the snakes. I just want him to stay around our house....seriously it is an acre.

So we installed an electric fence. We dug over 850 feet of wire. Put the white flags up every 10 feet. Of course we read and read and read about it. We watched videos and zapped our selves to be sure it was not horrible. I assumed my sweet, well trained almost 10 year old lab would have no problem understanding where the fence was. He would be able to come and go from the garage and all around the yard as he pleased.

Well training has been harder than I thought.

Parenting Jungle

Lately I have had a series of questions running through my head. 

What kind of parent do you want to be?

What kind of parent are you today?

No matter what I am doing through out my day these seem to be common thoughts in my mind. Sometimes I brush it off and do not stop to think or dig deep into my answers because it is too thick a jungle to navigate. Other times I start to process my thoughts and am only distracted by a hungry baby, a ring of the door bell or a cry from the baby which leads to some type of conversation or punishment from Hunter that needs to be dealt out.

So when I heard a big name physiologist and parenting book author was in town giving a free seminar....I handed the kiddos off to Wade for a few hours and convinced my sweet neighbor to come with me to hear what this guy had to say. I wanted answers to my questions. I wanted to know that I was being a good momma. I only left with more questions...

Am I listening to others on how to be a good parent or am I listening to my heart?

Is my generation really as awful at parenting as this guy thinks we are?

I am reading a fun book about a magic room. It is room in a bridal store that is full of mirrors, perfect lightening and a pedestal. It is a book about much more than a room or a bridal store it is a story about women on the verge of marriage. I imagined the book would be full of innocent stories of brides in love picking out their dream dress for their dream day. However the book is full of statistics on marriages, brides and  relationships daughters have with their mothers and fathers. Well PHEW I am at least off the hook here...I do not have a daughter. But I was a pregnant bride, something the book talks about a great deal....almost as if they imply I am less of a parent or do not care about the environment my babies are raised in. The author of the book is older and obviously from a generation that holds great value to marriage and also holds judgments on what he finds as a disrespect to marriage. Lastly, the author has three daughters, and speaks a great deal to the type of man he wants for his girls...and he does so in a way that leads me to believe that there is not a man out there good enough. So I am left with more questions....

Do I value marriage less because I was a pregnant bride?

How am I preparing my boys to be leaders, lovers, providers, protectors and patient enough to deal with these bridezillas? 

My truth is that I have some work to do....a jungle of thoughts to hack through so that I can set a pace and plan for my parenting choices. Being a parent is hard work if you are doing it right. I am learning that I have to have tunnel vision, I have to know what I want for my boys and work hard at making it happen for them. I am going to start with what I want the end to look like....I believe that will work itself out to answer my questions.

Things I want for Hunter and Colt

-For them to know the love of Jesus Christ

-To understand discipline and be able to apply it in their lives

-For them to be good citizens. Not just friendly neighbors and voters. But to believe in america and care   about its land, people and values

-To be hard workers with good work ethics. To do what is right no matter the cost

-I hope they are humble and respectful. Kind and friendly. 

-I want them to be courageous and confident in what they are doing without pride

-For them to know love and be able to love with choices not feelings

Now I need to commit my life and time with them to teaching them these things. Mostly with actions and not words. I am finding that for me....parenting is about instilling values more than teaching ABC's and words not to use. 

Now where did I put my machete....I have a lot of jungle to cut down

Break My Heart

Who wants a broken heart? Not me and no one I know. Typically when we think of broken hearts we think of crushed young love and children fighting cancer. Lately I have been thinking about what breaks the heart of God and asking for him to break my heart for what break His.

What breaks the heart of the King of Kings, Almighty Powerful One? Cancer, divorce, violence and war...sure I bet these things make Him sad and perhaps angry...but I believe watching so many of His precious children live a life without knowing Him or even more painful to watch them live a life choosing to turn from Him, is what breaks his heart. The heart of our Lord breaks when we are not untied with Him through Christ.

Are you breaking the heart of your author?

I was recently at a family get together and as I looked around the room I knew without a doubt that many of them believed that God was not their savior and in fact believed that"if" there was a God He mocked them and their life was His toilet. I found my heart just broken and thinking,,,I am just not sure how to lead you to the cross. There is no convincing you. I am not going to throw the bible at you or make you feel guilty. I just want to love you. I want you to be warm, well, fed and pleased with the life that you are leading. I want you to be loved for you. So I just sat on the couch with them, ate with them, laughed with them and drove down the mountain.

God has clearly answered my prayers and I find myself gasping for breath and not being able to hold back the tears as I understand what brings the Great I Am to sacrifice the life of His cherished son. I am trying to navigate the next step, which is the "what am I going to do about it".

I am not a girl who gets on a bus to Africa and loves all the orphaned children....I have my own at home today that need me and if I go then I would orphan them to a degree. I am not going to knock on your door and hand out bibles. I am not rich enough to just fund the end of hunger or cure all sickness...not even Oprah is. But I am one girl just trying to figure out how to convince the people in my life to love their maker, how to have a healing more powerful than a painless night, how to multiply the grace and peace in their life through the knowledge of Christ.

I will ask about your faith or lack of it. I will send you CD's full of music that will remind your heart that Jesus loves you. I will pray for you fervently and resiliently. I will share with you openly and shamelessly the difference in my life Christ's love has made. I will never give up on wanting to see you walk into the arms of Jesus and the gates of heaven.

This is what breaks my heart. What breaks yours?

This is Life

I love Raleigh, NC. I love what this move to Raleigh has done in our lives. We spend more time being a family and less time caught up in the business of every thing else going on around us. I love these boys more every day and I want my life and choices to reflect that love. 

This move was hard and felt like bad timing after the birth of Colt and long hospital stays. The right choices are always challenging in some way. I miss my friends I lived daily life with in Tracy dearly. I hate that I cannot get in a car and drive to my sister. All new doctors, trying to grow roots in a new church, helping Hunter meet new buddies, and just learning the ropes of a new city on the other side of the country is not for the faint of heart.

I am learning to let my heart stretch further than I believed it could. To love another little boy, to learn a new city, to make new friends and to KEEP THE OLD. 

Just Thinking

I stand in awe of how God created our bodies to work and how little we truly understand about them. We have great doctors and have made incredible progress in modern medicine. We find new cures for deadly  diseases every day.  Drastic diet trends seem to pop up every January leading us to what we believe is a healthier way...a way to live longer and stronger. Yet I still think we are still light years away from really grasping just how wonderfully made we are.

As I reflect on the past 6 weeks since Colt has been born I cannot keep my mind off of my body. I am consumed with fear that it will fail me. My deathly high blood pressure readings kept me trapped in the hospital for weeks....and even though I am a free bird walking around my house this morning....I still feel just as trapped.

I need to stop worrying and start trusting. The reality is that I do not need to understand how much pressure each vein in my body can withstand before bursting...or what really holds them together...or what million things I can do to change the reading on the  machine. I need to start trusting that the ONE who made me did it wonderfully and perfectly. That I have every tool I need. HE created my body to carry my precious son and it did.

Every time the nurse would come in my room to take my blood pressure I could feel a knot wind up inside my body and it has only gotten tighter overt time. I need to unwind that knot. At first I thought a long walk or a good sleep could cure me...but it has not worked. What I long for, Peace and healing, they are only found in one place. In the living Word of God and oh how my soul longs for those precious words.

"Heal me O Lord and I will be healed, save me and I will be saved, for thou art my praise."  Jer 17:4

Perspective

On our flight from DFW to North Carolina I snapped this picture.


It feels like cheating to me... Seeing the clouds and all their majestic splendor from this perspective. I feel like this view is for God alone. We were above a rain storm. As soon as we broke through the clouds on our decent it was cold, gloomy and dark... This is what I felt like inside.. The perspective my two feet give me.

I started my period yesterday. It sucks on so many levels. Besides the fact I am on a get away trip with my husband I am 5 days early and now irregular again... Most horribly I am not pregnant. This is my perspective... And it sucks.

Last night Wade put this picture as my screensaver. This morning as I woke up to a glorious sun rise I was reminded that through Jesus I am able to see Gods perspective. I am loved. I have everything He wants me to have. I am complete. I am not cheating by seeing the glorious scenery above the storm... God invites me to join him there. And honestly there is no place I would rather be.

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RESPECT

Today President Bush was on Oprah. I never watch Oprah....no real reason but I do not always agree with her point of view. She is generous and for that I am grateful to her. Today I enjoyed hearing Bush reflect on his Presidency and the BIG decisions he made. I agree with him...with so many things from his faith in God to his devotion to family to his choice to go to war to many of his philosophies on standing firm to your own principles. I have an abundance of respect for him as a man and as a President. President Obama is not someone that I agree with or always like but I respect him. He is our leader and I will respect and follow. 

It makes my stomach turn to hear other people throw punches at our Presidents. To question is one thing but what I hear and read is not questioning or respectfully disagreeing. What I see is rude, tearing, ugly, hateful and flat out evil comments. It is that motive and heart of disrespect that is tearing our country apart.

We need to be respectful, watchful of our tongues and united. We need to get business done together as American people. It really is simple...take turns. You go and then I. 

No if's and's or but's about it

I ovulated! It was painful. For 2 days it felt like I had just had surgery on my ovaries. Just really sore.

Another side affect. We will find out if it was worth it or not.

Rejoice! Rejoice! And again I say rejoice. Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice. That is my song today :)

Last night in bible study we talked about what brings me closer to having affections for Christ and what robs me of my affection for Christ.  I have been thinking and praying this morning that I just want Jesus, nothing else. I want Jesus more than a baby. I want Jesus more than money. It is when I sit still in the quietness of the morning and read the bible that I feel the closet to God. The birds chirping cheerful songs, the warm glow and warmth of the morning sun, a hot cup of tea, the promise of a new day...all things that make me fall in love with Jesus again.

Zits!

Seriously I thought I had paid my debt to the zit creator in high school! My chin seems to be a permeant place for a mountain of a zit these days :( Thank God my husband loves me for my heart and not my skin!

My conclusion is that the zits are a side affect of the hormones. Any easy price to pay.

Have you ever had a zit...not a little red dot.... I mean a geyser? We should start a support group :)

Website Crunch Time

Check it out.....We would love your input!

www.montevistafarming.com/Development

We just added all the video for Harvest and the plant tour video will go up this weekend. I lived my career dream by working here! And now I am living the best of both worlds being at home with Hunter and still completing projects for the company I love :)  You too can make your dreams come true. Just plan, prepare and pray!

Deep and Wide

God's Love is deep and wide, deep and wide, there is a fountain flowing deep and wide. I love this song, grew up singing it. It is so true. God is a fountain of love!

I have been seeing so much of God in Hunter. The childlike love that pours out of him...the endless feeling of devotion and love I feel for him. God has made us in his image and I see that more every day, every time I stop to look, I see God.

We went into the city a few weeks ago to see Kristin finish the Nike woman's half marathon. Hunter was a champ! He had so many firsts and watching his eyes grow as big as saucers and being there as he was soaking it all in, seeing his excitement and a bit of his fear as he held tight to my hand on busy streets...it all lead me straight to the abundance of Gods love for me. It is when I am open and reflective that the most love and light pours into my life....we duh it is only when your eyes are open and you are paying attention that you able to see and understand what is happening around you.

I am on a train ride to heaven and I am learning to love every stop.

In my system

I have completed taking Clomid a few days ago! No big emotional surge or any nagging side effects! Just swelling with hope and preparing for the worst at the same time.

I am preparing my mind and heart for the outcome God had planned for me. In the meantime I am living life!

Hunter and I went to work today at the almond plant. I sure do miss those people and the buzz of harvest. I am lucky to still be so close with them and look forward to life long friendships!

We watched the outcome of the elections tonight. The new house majority leader gave a heart warming speech! I really appreciate hard working people.




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Day 4

Today has been easy. No headache. No trouble.

Day 3

Busy morning. Woke up early. Picked up bagels at the store. Bible study with great women. Healing chat with Pastor Mike. Cranky kid. Fed a friends little dog and white bunny. Headache. Is the headache from the clomid or the day?

As for now I just want to lie on the couch.

I spill it all out here...especially my dirty laundry...for me being open and honest, allowing people in to see me, allowing the holy spirit the chance to move in is all a part of my process of healing. It is how my dirty laundry is cleaned.

Day 2

I am crazy about this kid! Especially in the morning...it is by far his best time of day. He is sweet, obedient and just a riot to hang out with. Our pet sitting business has taken off and we are keeping busy watching peoples pets as they travel. This morning we were out in Mountain House and I just had to stop to take a few pictures. It has been so long since I was behind a camera. Not that I am a professional....I just love capturing his face and all of its expressions...most importantly the happy ones.

Day 2 is a good day. I do not feel any different. Just full of hope. My prayers have been so simple. Please. Please heal me. Please bless us with a child. Please prepare me for your will. Please give Hunter a best friend. Please.

It has been pressed upon my soul that I am not ready. I am not equipped for anything but what I have...the bad and the good. There are times I feel like my inability to get pregnant is directly tied to the consequences of getting pregnant before we were married. That is a lie I know, but convincing my heart has been a real chore. For years I have been fine with our choices and story....now I stumble, deal with embarrassment and shame....not of Hunter or Wade (my hero) but of myself.

I have been reading my bible more...gathering my armor because I know the devil has been close...and more importantly because the Holy Spirit has been closer preparing me. God is using me. He is using my mistakes and my success for his glory. This one small chapter of my life that is under a microscope right now...my infertility and sex before marriage have touched a soft spot that was not done healing. Now I am open and ready not only to be healed but to see what in the world God is going to do. Bring it.

Day 1

12 months, 12 tries, lots of sex, too much timing not enough fun, 1 big cyst later here I am without a pregnancy. I still have not really cried about it....I get close at times but I chin up and start planning our next attempt.

Well the cyst is gone, Praise be to God, and starting today we are trying Clomid. A drug that makes sure I ovulate and on time. We will see if it works. I have high hopes.

I know God is the opener and closer of wombs. I am lying my emotion and faith in that alone.

A reminder

We all have some trinket around our homes that trigger a sweet memory or encourage us or remind us of something special.

This is mine. It has been packed away for years with my college stuff. I recently came across it and had to but it in it's proper place... On my bathroom mirror.

The heart is from my high school ag teacher. Those 4 years in ag lead me, prepared me and encouraged me to go into the field of ag professionally. I went to Cal Poly and met the best friends of my life. I grew close to God. I had countless experiences that led me to be the woman I am today.

When I graduated I thought I was going to change the world... I was on fire. Life happens I realized I am normal too, you get busy and caught up in just making ends meet.

When I came across this trinket a few months ago I realized I still want to change the world. I still have that fire... And this trinket reminds me of that!

Every day I want to be on fire for what I believe in. I want to make our world a better place. I am not just normal.



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Laundry! I am good at washing it... Not so good a putting it away. I have to tease myself by offering some sweet reward if I power through it.

Tonight someone is coming over so it must get done! Wish I was better at it...something to work on:)


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Location:One of my biggest faults

Back From the Dead

I am back. I have been adjusting to our new routine of being at home...and it is great. Bloging was a part of my day at work. The computer was always on and open....and I had plenty of opportunity to write...now that is not the case.

I am going to make a conscious effort to sit down and write once a day. so get ready for whatever comes out....ha...what is new right.

Today I am at moms house. Last night sis and I went through some old pictures. My dance pictures from high school....I could only remember the name of one of my dates....seriously....love did not come until later in my life obviously. I also found a picture of my great grandparents! Grandma Winey was wearing her wedding ring...they are old...and they sweetly hold hands. Now I wear that ring as I hold Wade's hand. Cool to think about. I miss her.

As for Hunter he is a handful....but what can I expect out of a 2 year old. Potty training is coming along. It has taken time and dedication, but I think we make a bit of progress every day. Training my puppy Laredo was much easier. Hunter has been biting his nails non stop...there is hardly any nail left. I do not like this new habit. I have tried over the counter polish to try and get him to quit....no luck. So now I spend my time researching remedies.

I am still not pregnant...I just found out about a cyst on my right ovary through an ultrasound. Not sure if it has much to do with not getting pregnant. It makes sense and is not the first time. I have been thinking a lot about how perfect Hunter is. Some people may had or still do judge me for getting pregnant so quickly and before I was married. As for my thoughts....God blessed me and taught me years of lessons in 9 months. He brought me closer to him. I am endlessly grateful for my child....especially as I realize getting pregnant is not a given. I would not change a thing...not one second.

Now for a funny story before we head to the beach. Hunter was 30 minutes into number 2 on the big boy potty when he called me over. Finally he was finished I thought. When I walked in his eyes lit up as he told me that he saw humpback whales. Where I asked....he pointed to his poop!....He went on about how they were swimming in the toilet. Quite the imagination this kid....ha!

Today I am doulbly thankful! My dad has always been on my team, cheering for me endlessly. He has been a selfless model of ethics, morals, purposeful and intentional parenting and steadfastly centered on Christ! He is a big part of the reason I am happy and successful in life. He has always made me feel special and love.

Then came Wade and Hunter... Watching Wade with Hunter, hearing his prayers and seeing his hard work and devotion to making Hunter feel loved and special... My boys are more than just icing on my cake... The are the my second story of life!

Thanks Dad! Thanks Wade! For being incredible fathers who made the choice to do right by God and your families! Love you more.



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Location:Happy Father's Day Wade and Dad