Day 4

Today has been easy. No headache. No trouble.

Day 3

Busy morning. Woke up early. Picked up bagels at the store. Bible study with great women. Healing chat with Pastor Mike. Cranky kid. Fed a friends little dog and white bunny. Headache. Is the headache from the clomid or the day?

As for now I just want to lie on the couch.

I spill it all out here...especially my dirty laundry...for me being open and honest, allowing people in to see me, allowing the holy spirit the chance to move in is all a part of my process of healing. It is how my dirty laundry is cleaned.

Day 2

I am crazy about this kid! Especially in the morning...it is by far his best time of day. He is sweet, obedient and just a riot to hang out with. Our pet sitting business has taken off and we are keeping busy watching peoples pets as they travel. This morning we were out in Mountain House and I just had to stop to take a few pictures. It has been so long since I was behind a camera. Not that I am a professional....I just love capturing his face and all of its expressions...most importantly the happy ones.

Day 2 is a good day. I do not feel any different. Just full of hope. My prayers have been so simple. Please. Please heal me. Please bless us with a child. Please prepare me for your will. Please give Hunter a best friend. Please.

It has been pressed upon my soul that I am not ready. I am not equipped for anything but what I have...the bad and the good. There are times I feel like my inability to get pregnant is directly tied to the consequences of getting pregnant before we were married. That is a lie I know, but convincing my heart has been a real chore. For years I have been fine with our choices and story....now I stumble, deal with embarrassment and shame....not of Hunter or Wade (my hero) but of myself.

I have been reading my bible more...gathering my armor because I know the devil has been close...and more importantly because the Holy Spirit has been closer preparing me. God is using me. He is using my mistakes and my success for his glory. This one small chapter of my life that is under a microscope right now...my infertility and sex before marriage have touched a soft spot that was not done healing. Now I am open and ready not only to be healed but to see what in the world God is going to do. Bring it.

Day 1

12 months, 12 tries, lots of sex, too much timing not enough fun, 1 big cyst later here I am without a pregnancy. I still have not really cried about it....I get close at times but I chin up and start planning our next attempt.

Well the cyst is gone, Praise be to God, and starting today we are trying Clomid. A drug that makes sure I ovulate and on time. We will see if it works. I have high hopes.

I know God is the opener and closer of wombs. I am lying my emotion and faith in that alone.

A reminder

We all have some trinket around our homes that trigger a sweet memory or encourage us or remind us of something special.

This is mine. It has been packed away for years with my college stuff. I recently came across it and had to but it in it's proper place... On my bathroom mirror.

The heart is from my high school ag teacher. Those 4 years in ag lead me, prepared me and encouraged me to go into the field of ag professionally. I went to Cal Poly and met the best friends of my life. I grew close to God. I had countless experiences that led me to be the woman I am today.

When I graduated I thought I was going to change the world... I was on fire. Life happens I realized I am normal too, you get busy and caught up in just making ends meet.

When I came across this trinket a few months ago I realized I still want to change the world. I still have that fire... And this trinket reminds me of that!

Every day I want to be on fire for what I believe in. I want to make our world a better place. I am not just normal.



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